1. “Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.” – Demetri Martin
2. “What is worse than ants in your pants? Uncles” – Unknown
3. “I’ve moved past threesomes. I’m now into foursomes. If someone backs out, then you’ve still got a threesome. If two people back out, you’re still having sex.” – Gregory House
4. “When I was a boy, I laid in my twin sized bed and wondered where my brother was.” – Mitch Hedberg
5. “It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.” – Jack Handey
6. “I don’t have a girlfriend, but I know a girl that would get really mad if she heard me say that.” – Unknown
7. “My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.” – Unknown
8. “I have 3 kids and no money, why I can’t I have no kids and 3 money.” -Homer Simpson
9. “It became so cold in New York last night that it forced the flashers to describe themselves to people.” – Unknown
10. “I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.” – Steven Wright
11. “My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.” – Stewart Francis
12. “The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” – Demetri Martin
13. “I have the world’s largest collection of seashells, you may have seen it, I keep it scattered on beaches all over.” – Unknown
14. “I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.” – Unknown
15. “When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.” – Unknown
16. “The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family. The problem is no one runs in your family.” – Unknown
17. “When you look like I do, it’s hard to get a table for one at chuckee cheese.” – Zach Galifianakis
18. “I don’t want to be part of a club that would have me as a member.” – Groucho Marx
19. “My ex girlfriend had this really weird fetish. She used to like to dress up like herself, and act like a fucking bitch all the time.” – Bo Burnham
20. “Last night, I played poker with Tarot cards … got a full house and 4 people died.” – Steven Wright
21. “I tried to change my password to penis but they said it was too short.’ – Unknown
22. “My girlfriend used to smoke after sex, so we started using lube.” – Jimmy Carr
23. “Circumcision is popular because Jewish girls won’t touch anything that’s not at least 15% off.” – Unknown
24. “The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.” – Unknown
25. “Sit on my lap and we’ll talk about the first thing that pops up.” – Unknown
26. “It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.” – Unknown
27. “Consider the daffodil…and while you’re doing that, I’ll be over here, going through your stuff.” – Jack Handy
28. “I told him to be himself, that was pretty mean I guess.” – Roger Sterling
29. “I have a friend. He keeps trying to convince me he’s a compulsive liar, but I don’t believe him.” – Ben Bailey
30. “My father is schizophrenia, but he’s good people.”- Stewart Francis
31. “I was going to tell you a joke about my vagina, but you will never get it.” – Unknown
32. “Does my wife think I’m a control freak? I haven’t decided yet.” – Stewart Francis
33. “You know what this shirts made out of? Boyfriend material.” – Unknown
34. “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” – Zach Galifianakis
35. “They lie about marijuana: ‘Marijuana makes you unmotivated.’ Lie. When you’re high, you can do anything you normally do just as well. You just realize it’s not worth the fucking effort. There’s a difference.” – Bill Hicks
36. “Who has connections to Connecticut? That’s where rich people go to live the rest of their life in the woods.” – Patrice O’Neal
37. “Onions make me sad. A lot of people don’t realize that.” – Mitch Hedberg
38. “I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.” – Rodney Dangerfield
39. “I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana — mafia.” – Jim Gaffigan
40. “I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said ‘It’s nice to see so many bums on seats.’” – Jimmy Carr
41. “There’s a reason it’s called ‘girls gone wild’ and not ‘women gone wild’. When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.” – Louis CK
42.“I taught Sunday School for two years. And I got fired. I abused my authority. I used to teach class like this, OK, if one more person talks, everybody is going to Hell. – Maragaret Cho
43. “It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” – Woody Allen
44. “Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry.” – Maria Bamford
45. “I’m on a whiskey diet…I’ve lost three days already.” – Tommy Cooper
46. In Seattle, they have a saying: ‘If you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.’” – Doug Benson
47. “There’s no such thing as addiction, there’s only things that you enjoy doing more than life.” – Doug Stanhope
48. “I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.” – Sam Kinison
49. “I had to stop drinking, cause I got tired of waking up in my car driving 90.” – Richard Pryor
50. “The liberals can understand everything but people who don’t understand them.” – Lenny Bruce
51. “Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.” – George Carlin
52. “Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!’” – Conan O’Brien
53. “The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.” – Jay Leno
54. “I can’t wait till Sunday, I’m gonna see my favorite niece and my other niece…” – Sarah Silverman
55. “According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.” – Jerry Seinfeld
56. “The people voting for the Oscars are so old. I haven’t seen one Academy Award voter with a tampon in her purse.” – Joan Rivers
57. “I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it’s hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood.” – Larry David